The day was supposed to be perfect. The plan was simple enough and the weather report even looked good. The dumbest thing in the world is that I really thought everything would go off without a hitch. Right! I was going to ask Deb if we could go hang out at her place after school. Deb is a babe with dark hair and killer green eyes. She’s been sitting in front of me in English all year and we’ve been trading glances for a while. According to my old man the first sign that a girl likes you is she trades grins with you and wants to ask you out after a while. I ain’t the best looking guy around because I got freckles all over my body including a dash across my nose. I keep my hair hanging down over my eyes for this reason and kids are always goofing on me because of the mullet I got.
The day seemed to be off to a good start as I woke up and managed to get into the shower before my sister and mom could take over the place. Then I jumped out of the can with bright teeth and a killer smile. Breakfast was quick and easy and then I skipped out the door to catch the bus. That’s when things started to screw up. I was standing at the stop across from TJ’S Superette and feeling great about everything when a truck carrying more chickens than any I’d ever seen splashed through a giant puddle caused by a huge pothole in the street and doused me with mud. My older sister, Leanne started laughing her damn ass off as she stepped close to the stop with me.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought about going home and changing clothes real quick but the next thing I knew the bus blew its horn and rattled me. I flipped my homework in the air and it scattered about the muddy ground. Leanne kept laughing and pointed at my bad luck which made everyone on the bus join her including the driver (a twit of a guy who looked like a used balled up sock) named Allen. He was a jerk but waited for me to pick up all my papers so I could get on the bus. I managed to climb on board and look for a seat. I sat down next to this chubby kid who smelled like he never wiped himself. His name was Chuck and nobody liked him.
Chuck belted out a good chuckle as he said: “Dude you got crap on your head. Looks like this just ain’t your day huh?”
I nodded once and tried to smile. After tolerating the aroma around Chuck for what seemed like an eternity, Allen finally pulled up to the schoolyard. I tried to beat the rush to the door but got trampled by the tough kids and their girls. By the time I got out of the bus Allen was having a cheap cigar outside the door. He was happy to see me struggle and shot a look at me. “Hey Bo, learn to laugh at yourself. What the hell-everyone else has!”
I didn’t bother to reply to the creepy clown. I gave him a short smile and thought about heading to the gym to raid my locker for a change of clothes. My name is Bob but asses like Allen and bullies always call me Bo. I guess the reason is because it sounds like a hick’s name and they’ve got nothing better to do but make fun of people whenever they can. There’s about a fifteen minute gap between the time the bus arrives and the first homeroom bell sounds. I had just that much time to rush to the gym and change my duds. I ran to the gym which is on the other side of the cafeteria. The idiot custodian decided to mop the floor that morning without posting any signs. The end result is that I found myself hydroplaning across the floor and hearing the cackling laugh of the stupid custodian: Nick.
By the time I got to the locker I had less than eight minutes left. I opened the door and a pile of stuff fell all over me. The stench of dirty underwear, sweaty socks, a spilled bottle of aftershave and an old tuna sandwich, hit me then as I climbed my way out of the mess. My gym partner is a slob called Russ and he was the last person near the locker. I was down to four minutes. I didn’t have time to stuff all the crap back into the locker so I just grabbed Russ’s coveralls he’d left behind and slipped them on over my muddy clothes. I then snatched my gym bag and dumped its contents in the locker. After stuffing all my papers into the bag I caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall. I had only two minutes to get to homeroom. I closed my eyes to fight back the frustration I was feeling and ran as fast as I could.
Because of that jackass Nick, I took the back door toward the hallway. The coveralls were bulky and I discovered that I only touched the ground every third or fourth step. Thank God that my homeroom teacher was Mr. Pike. Pike is a complete boob and never takes attendance on time. By the time I got to the room he had just rolled his eyes up from his morning nap. Whew, I thought as I snuck to my seat, just made it. There were only a handful of minutes before classes were to begin. After that rotten start I thought things had to improve or I’d kill myself.
Suicide began to seem like an answer then because as soon as the bell rang I gathered my stuff and tripped on the edge of those stupid coveralls. I plunged headfirst into the trash barrel and then tried to get it off my head but the damn thing stuck. Everyone, including that boob Pike, laughed at me. I was trying to get free and heard Deb pass in the hall with her friends as the class emptied amid laughter. I finally got the stupid barrel off of my head and escaped homeroom when the place was starting to fill up with kids who had it for first period geography. My head felt strange then as I realized the hallway was empty and I was running late for my first class. I tried to jog to English when this dumb blind kid’s dog yelled at me as it stood frozen in place.
My pants and coveralls were soaked by pee because the dog scared the living hell out of me. That’s when Principal Walcott saw me and hollered at me to leave the poor blind kid alone. She was taking her sweet time to calm the mutt down. Walcott said, “I mean it Robert, if I ever see you screwing off or around that poor animal or his owner again I’ll have your ass in detention so fast it’ll make your head spin!”
I nodded quickly as he looked at his watch. Then the jerk pointed at his watch and motioned me on to English. I tried to smile through gritted teeth as I watched him turn down the hall to the right. Then I came to class and Mrs. Stein was replaced by a substitute teacher because you were sick. The sub was a real stain and gave me a bunch of crap for being late. Then he stuck his nose at me and said, “Did you flunk potty training? Get the hell out of my classroom and get yourself cleaned up. You aren’t fit to be with the civilized world!”
I was ready to bawl my eyes out then as Deb stared at me like I was the most pitiful excuse for a person she’d ever seen. I then stepped back into the hallway with no idea about what I should do. That’s when this crazy bastard drove a moped through the hallway and started shooting at the school with a short gun. I felt more pee coming from my leg and slumped against the wall. I gave up as the guy on the moped made the whole school jump to attention. He cackled loudly and turned around to head toward me. I thought that would make my day perfect. This lunatic would kill me and end my pathetic life. Right! The moped skidded out of control as soon as it contacted the pee I’d spilt. The gun flew out of his hand and the next thing I knew the guy cursed as he crashed into a window by the stairs.
The halls were flooded with kids and teachers as they were all scared for their lives. It was a mess because before I knew what was happening the crowd lost their balance and were slipping through my pee, I had to chuckle at the whole thing and that’s when I turned around to see the cops rushing up the stairs. The guy on the moped was busted and they were looking to see if anyone got hurt. They found me laughing and figured I was a part of the ass’s plan to destroy the school.
As you can see, Mrs. Stein, I’m just a guy who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. All I wanted was a date with Deb.
-----------------The young man in the padded white room has been sent there because a physiological evaluation was deemed necessary by the judge at his hearing for aiding and abetting a fugitive. He has been allowed the privilege of being able to have a notebook and a pen. The preceding is a factual account. The poor schmuck.
-Finis-
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