Why I want to Grow up Part 2

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let someone else get murdered in front of my eyes. I jumped at the guy from my hiding place and hissed loudly. He was fast, so he turned and saw me leaping at him. Before he could do anything about it, I landed on his face and scratched the bastard’s eyes. He shouted and fell backward into the table.

　

　

The young woman let out a cackle and said, “Thank you Kitty, you’re going to get more tuna soon.” She turned and picked up the hammer and then wielded it above her head. “Assholes like you really ought to mind their own business,” she began hollering at the man, “I don’t know who you are or how you found out about the treasure, I don’t care either. Hell, I’m not sure who this broad is, or was. All I know is the Andersen treasure will never fall into hands like yours.”

　

The man was terrified as he saw the angry fire in the woman’s eyes. He stopped trying to stand and decided to try diplomacy instead. “Now, Mrs. Andersen, come on and give a guy a chance to explain. My whole life I’ve been broke and I want the money only. There’s no reason to resort to violence.”

　

I had leapt to the stove as they were speaking and watched as Mrs. Andersen swung the hammer over her head in a circle. The man was becoming much too concerned for his life at that point to even care about money. His eyes then pleaded with hers to find compassion.

　

She was like a wild woman as a storm broke outside. The lightening that erupted from the sky after the thunder cracked left her with a scary countenance. The man tried to back against the wall as she moved closer with the spinning hammer. Tossing me sideway glance he said, “Aw c’mon kitty, are you gonna let her kill me?”

　

I didn’t give it another thought and hopped down in front of Mrs. Andersen. She saw me and I purred at her before the sledgehammer went sailing to the floor. With a loud crash it collided with the floorboards and made a wide hole. The man fell into the hole and screamed loudly as he disappeared after the hammer. I was nervous so I jumped into Mrs. Andersen’s arms and curled up as I listened to her ramble on.

　

She took a breath as she peered down the hole and said, “I’m telling you Mittens, it just isn’t right that a gal like me should have to put up with creepy bozos like that.” I found myself curious about what she was talking about as I watched the hole.

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She went on, “If my daddy knew there would be all this trouble because of his invention he’d never have invented the stupid thing in the first place.”

　

She set me down on the floor and stuck her head in the hole. I sat and watched as she lay down and propped her head on her hand. Lazily her feet dangled in the air and I became hypnotized at their movement. She continued to explain, “The worst part of all is that I don’t even know where these people come from that want the transfer stone. Let alone how they found out about it.

I’ve got to say this much; life is far from boring.” She reached over and scratched my head as she spoke. Man that felt great! I was purring up a storm as I listened intently to what she was saying. There was nothing in the world that could disturb me or even distract my ecstasy. With one eye pointed at Mrs. Andersen and the other digging into the hole to see where it went, I was happy.

　

She gave a long yawn and I joined her. Then she let go of my head and stretched her arms to the ceiling before saying, “Mittens, I am exhausted now, it is definitely time to go to bed. This time yell or something before someone gets killed okay?”

　

After that she stood and wandered to the hall where she turned the lights off and stumbled into bed. I was too disturbed to even think about sleeping so I finished the tuna and the water. Then I skewered up my courage and dove down the hole. What she had mentioned brought several thoughts to my mind. A ’transfer stone’ had countless possibilities behind it. Could that be how I became a cat? It was difficult for me to figure out as I slid down the hole which turned out to be tubular in design. This had become quite an eventful trip so far and I enjoyed the ride through the tube. The ride ended as I landed with a thud at the bottom atop the burly guy.

　

I sniffed him out and discovered he had the worst breath of anyone. Then I checked out my surroundings and what I saw amazed me. There was a small stream running from the bottom of the old Andersen place that looked crystal clear. I poked my head at it and began to purr as I drank. There were flowers of every kind and the sweet scent of azaleas all over the place. The corpse would begin to stiffen soon so I figured it was time to beat a hasty retreat and find out where I was exactly. I followed the stream south and watched as it flowed to a river. I then felt the coolness of autumn breezes washing over me and stopped to take it all in. from overhead I heard an owl and turned up to see that it was feeding its young.

　

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I felt good to see life was still going on as usual so I scampered down through the woods. When I saw the old streetlights that made a wave of relaxation come over me. I then heard a familiar clacked engine and saw my dad‘s old pickup truck. I would never be able to forget the old rust bucket so I ran for it hoping dad was somewhere in the vicinity. I hopped up into the cab and looked around. Within a couple moments I was relieved as dad came around the corner and climbed in. he was wearing a straw hat with his denim overalls and a bright smile on his face.

　

I thought I was hidden in the dark but dad looked right at me and said, “Well, how are you little puss?”

I crawled to him and snuggled on his chest purring as loudly as ever. Dad looked at me with love in his eyes and said, “Don’t worry about a thing, little pus, I understand you better than you could think. Yawn yourself to sleep and I’ll wake you up as soon as we get home.”

　

His words came to me like the magical sandman of fantasy as I did just what he told me. By the time I woke up he was carrying me to the house and I looked up to see his face. My body felt odd and growing as I struggled to maintain balance. He stopped and gently placed me on the ground as my transformation became complete. I was naked but human again, thank God!

　

Dad looked at me with a smile and said, “Jeff, it is about time for you to get up and listen to your old man, I’ve got a few things to let you know and I know it’s about time you heard them. I was hoping we’d not have to have this conversation ever, but things are what they are.”

　

My dad is always prepared so he handed me his lumberjack shirt which I tossed around my naked body and we walked toward the house. Before we even stepped inside he looked me up and down with a curious smile. “Dad, you would not believe the day I’m having. If any of it is real, you’re dang right we have to talk.”

　

“Believe me son, it’s not as weird as it seems. Okay, I’ll give you that much, it is very weird, but we’re okay. How did it feel, your first time as a cat? My first time was a fish, if you can dig that.”

　

We sat down in the den and dad tossed me a Coke, got himself a beer and sat across from me. I shook my head and sipped the soda. “Being a cat is cooler than I thought it’d be. What are you talking about, ’your first time you were a fish’?”

　

“Well, my son, you have inherited a recessive gene. You and I, as well as your great-great grandfather, are mutants who can become animals. Your mother learned about me the night you were conceived. My dad had to have this talk with me when I was ten.”

　

I was three steps beyond fascination as dad told me the tale about our ancestral heritage. Between the alchemists and the royal jesters there was a hunger that grew in our family line. As far back as the family tree could go there was this genetic catch.

The reason we were some of the first on the boat from Europe was the fear of witchcraft and black magic. The family became nomadic gypsies and settled in the Baybridge area after the Silver Rush. When he was a kid he was looking at fish in a big tank and decided to try to catch one and set it free. He fell into the cold water and was surprised to discover he’d become just like the goldfish he was going to free. My grand-dad heard the splash and bellowed a laugh. After coaxing dad up, he explained the process the way his own dad had.

　

Amid wild laughter we talked and I told him what happened to me. My mom scared the hell out of us both as she turned the light on and pointed the shotgun at us. For an old farmer’s wife, mom was a very tough woman. “What in God’s name is all the fuss in here about?” She questioned as she lowered the gun and dad and I slowly breathed again.

　

“Jeff got the blessing, or the curse, of the family, Elle. That’s why he didn’t come right home. Seems there was some commotion at the old Andersen place tonight. Our boy saved someone’s life and will have to find a killer too.”

　

Mom rushed to me with her arms wide and gave me a big hug. “Oh my God, Jeffery is everything alright?”

　

I yawned and told her the same story I told dad. After which she let me go and smiled the way only a mother can. She then told me to make a pot of coffee while she and dad figured out our next move. Before I left the room she smiled and explained why I became a cat and why it didn’t really bother me. The old lady telling me that crap about a curious cat combined with the idea that I knew, somewhere deep down, what I could really do, led me to become a very curious cat. I made the coffee with a shrug and wondered more about the ’transfer stone’ the young Ms. Andersen mentioned. If that stone wasn’t what turned me into a cat, what was it? I checked my reflection in the mirror then with a smirk on my face. The guy I saw looking back had a decent head of hair, clear light green eyes, and a pert nose. Then I thought about the cat I saw earlier in the toaster and it donned on me that I was an all white cat. I don’t mean just my fur either; I mean everything but my eyes which were pink. I was an albino cat and then reflected that my ancestors must’ve been the same.

　

Dad confirmed this for me as soon as I returned to the den with two steaming cups of coffee. He shook his head with a smile as he sipped the black brew. “That’s about the size of it boy, and I know it doesn’t make a lick of sense. It has always seemed to me if we’re going to have albino features as animals; we ought to have ’em as people.”

　

My mom was always researching everything she could possibly research and added, “I’ve tried to figure that out for years and it simply occurs to me the reason might be because you change into something completely different from what you were. It’s a theory I’ve been working on for a while. Anyway, it sounds as if you have other concerns to worry about at the moment. Tell us more about the basement of the Andersen place.”

　

“Mom, I’m exhausted right now, can we take this up in the morning?” I yawned uncontrollably as she reached out and touched my hand. Dad nodded and stretched as he checked the clock.

　

Then mom replied, “Yes, you’re right, both of you. Let’s go to bed right now and we’ll figure out what to do in the morning. Mornings are much better to make plans by.”

　

I nodded and went to the stairs of our small cottage seeking my bed. Ah bed, the words rang in my heart gently as I found the pillow under my head. Dreaming never came easier to me as my last conscious thoughts reflected the relief that dad had gone to the 6-4 Mart just in time. My mind was at first caught in the playful world of what I could do with my newly discovered gift. Then my dreams took on a twist and I was caught between Rhonda and Lydia doing the nasty with each other. My mind sat back and enjoyed the show as I watched myself really getting into it.



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The stupid alarm clock went off as soon as I was about to and I woke up half angry, half disappointed. I glanced at the clock which read: 5: AM and then yawned the rest of my sleep away. Giving a second to listen, I could hear my parents fumbling with breakfast downstairs. I climbed out of bed and tossed on a pair of shorts before joining them. They were in the middle of discussing the adventure I was in as I emerged in the kitchen. “Good morning mom, dad, I don’t know about you guys but I slept great last night.” I stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world as I pulled my chair out and sat.

　

Dad was chipper and replied, “That’s good to hear, are you ready to take this caper a notch higher?”

　

Mom flipped a pancake on dad’s plate and served him. “Michael, are you sure he’s ready for this?” She studied dad’s face a moment while fixing my plate.

Waiting for a reply, mom placed the plate in front of me then turned around for her own. “Jeff, are you willing to try what your dad has in mind?”

　

My head was still trying to clear from everything I’d seen, done and learned the night before. Dad watched me slowly take mom’s question in as he chewed his food. The answer came to me as quick as a flash: “Yeah, mom, I’m about ready for anything except that dumb paper I’ve got to complete.” Oops, I didn’t tell her about the day Jeremy had planned with me. Fortunately, I did mention that tidbit and the conversation I’d had with Lydia Weaver.

　

“First things are always first Elle, that’s why we have to find out what’s going on in the old Andersen house before anything else. The paper isn’t due until Monday and Jeremy will just have to be called so he doesn’t find out about the ‘gift’.” Dad saved my bacon with his brief display and I let go a short breath as I fired a wink at him. Mom was so intent on dad she didn’t notice my signal.

　

We ate in silence then as each of us considered the next logical step to take. After breakfast (and a quick video cancellation call to Jeremy) dad and I showered and were waiting for mom to finish in the bathroom. He grinned as he fired up a cigar and said, “Well, let me tell you something boy, you sure know how to make for an interesting weekend. We’ve got to go back to the Andersen place and retrace your steps. That way we’ll at least have an idea of what to look for. You said this young clit looked like a younger version of old Mrs. Andersen?”

　
I grinned inwardly because dad never used a word like ‘clit’ to describe a woman when mom could hear him. A ‘clit’ was a good-looking young woman who liked the nasty. It’s a slang term used by dirty people who think bathing means they’re giving themselves to God. Inner city kids always talk like that but here in the suburbs (Laketon to be exact) it’s considered rude. I pondered his question for a moment then answered, “Yeah, come to think of it now.” I shot a beaming smile to him as it donned on me the old woman’s identity. “Actually, now that you mention it, that’s who the old woman was. Why it took me this long to figure it out I don’t think I’ll ever know.”

　

“Jeff, for a guy as bright and gifted as you are, you can be as dumb as a post. The reason it took you until right now is simple, you’re thinking about Lydia Weaver and that girl Rhonda at school. Don’t worry about it; you’re a fourteen year old with a perpetual. Nothing to be ashamed of,” he laughed, “it just proves you and I have another thing in common.”

　

　

　

　

I was tempted to blush but my mind told me he was right. Maybe there are a few good things about being a throwback. Mom made her usual humming noises as she stepped out of the bathroom and dad quickly doused his cigar and blasted the air cleanser. He then shot me a look, “Do me a favor and distract your ma while I get rid of this odor. I’ll meet the two of you in the pickup around back.”

　

I giggled then stood up and went to meet mom. She was in a great mood as she finished her morning song. “Well, are you guys ready to try your dad’s plan?”

　

“We sure are mom, I’ve got a question for you; how often does dad change?”

　

“As often as he thinks is necessary, which isn’t nearly often enough for me.” She smiled slyly and gave my arm a quick love tap. “As for you, what critter have you decided to become this time?”

　

What critter have I decided to become? What the hell was she talking about? I’d only turned into a cat once. I understood there was a whole bunch of options but was it really a question? I shrugged and took a gamble, “I don’t know; how do you think I’d be as a chipmunk?”

　

She giggled heartily and said, “You’d be an adorable chipmunk, your father almost always prefers a wolf or owl. I don’t know what it is with you two and nocturnal animals.”

　

I smiled and we headed out the back door as soon as dad gave me the signal the coast was clear from the window. The three of us climbed into the cab of the stinky old pickup and headed toward the Andersen house. I was excited but calm as I realized my family was all together (more than a little crazy but all together) and ready for an adventure unlike I’d ever had. We pulled up to the rear of the 6-4 Mart and got out of the cab. While mom acted as a lookout, dad and I dropped our drawers and he instructed me on how to change. It was easy enough, all I had to do was close my eyes and think about how the animal I wanted to become behaved. From the corner of my vision, I watched with glee as my arms became hairy. I turned myself into a chipmunk and dad had become an owl.

　

　

We looked at each other a brief moment before he told me, “Jeff, this will sound like a low hoot to everyone else’s ears. One thing I remember my dad telling me is the only people we can talk to have to be shapers like us. When you say anything to me, it’ll sound like a chipmunk’s click. Are you feeling okay?” He turned in mom’s direction and gave a quick hoot.

　

I said, “Sure dad, I feel great, small like I could be stepped on, but great. Now that you’ve given mom the signal, are we ready to move on to the house?”

　

He winked at me then flapped his wings a little. After a short nod, he dropped a couple of talons in the scruff of my neck and we flew across the vacant lot to the grassy area behind it. When we were close enough to see the path I’d taken, I pointed down and we descended. Owls can walk but they sure look funny doing it. I scampered through the brush and we then followed the river back to the stream. Backtracking never seemed as cool as we rediscovered the pathway.

　

Dad looked at me and said, “Alright boy, I’m going to show you a real fancy trick it took me ages to figure out.” He stood with his chest puffed out and closed his eyes as I watched him change shape into a raccoon. “At your age you’d have to return to your original form before changing to a different animal. Don’t worry about it though, when the time comes, I’ll show ya! Now which way do we go from here?”

　

I looked around and headed toward the water that was flowing at us as dad followed. We snuck around to the cave and the body was rigor mortis. The smell was gross and I heard dad chuckle. I said, “That’s the big dope that was killed last night. Take a look up at that tunnel.” We stepped around the sledgehammer and looked up to see a flicker of light at the top. Before I could say anything else, dad turned into an owl again and grabbed me by the scruff and we ascended the tunnel. On the way, he whispered, “Okay, now we’re going to be very quiet when we get up there. We have no idea what the hell is going on so it’s best we don’t make a lot of noise.”

　

I agreed and we came through the hole. Dad changed again to a chipmunk like me and we slowly checked out our surroundings. The kitchen was clean enough to pass any grandmother’s inspection and we then stepped toward the feeding and watering dishes. Dad shot me a quick look as his ears popped up. We ducked behind the stove as creaky footsteps made their way to the kitchen. I whispered to dad, “This should be interesting; I still don’t know how I got here the first time.”

　

　

　

He grinned as we waited patiently for whoever it was to come around the corner. The sound of the girlish giggle was immediately followed by a towering figure. She was wearing a velvet blue bathrobe with her blond locks in a towel. It was the same young woman I’d seen the night before. She walked to the table and poured a cup of Mississippi mud into a cup that looked like a handled bowl. She was speaking almost too loudly to another person that had yet to enter the room. “Oh, come on nana, it couldn’t have been that bad,” she said as I watched the old doorway to see who she was talking to.

　

The old lady stumbled through the doorway and smiled with broken teeth. “After I picked him up, that cute albino kitty, he shat on me and I brought him in the house. I thought for sure he was dead until the little dickens farted. It was really gross, trust me.”

　

Okay, that was an interesting revelation, now I know how I got here but I don’t recall being that tired or gassy. Dad almost choked with laughter as I smirked at him. The young one sat down as her grandmother joined her with a small cup of mud and stood by the hole.

　

“So what you’re telling me is that cat wasn’t your old ghost again but one you found?”

　

The old woman smiled as the sparkle in her eye grew. “I wouldn’t say I found him exactly. Let’s just say I watched him as he became feline because he wanted to help me. I really felt that I owed him at least a place to stay and some dinner.”

　

She knows what I can do? That can’t be good at all; I looked at dad who nodded his head. “No problem son, I left a couple of things out of my explanation. Mrs. Andersen has known about the powers in our family for as long as I can remember. I’m still not sure how but it doesn’t matter because she has never said anything.” Dad whispered to me and I had some relief. He nudged me to continue to watch the show.

　

“Well, anyway, that creepy clown tried to kill me with a sledgehammer. Thanks to that albino kitty I was able to turn the tables on the asshole and viola, the hole popped open.” The young Andersen explained while pointing at the hole.

　

“Did he find anything out, and what did you do with the other body?” The grandmother seemed more curious than anything else.

　

“No, he didn’t find anything at all.” As for the broad’s body, that’s locked up in the basement and under the doctor’s care. It should be in working order soon, the only injury was a broken neck. The sledgehammer struck it just right so there’s no real damage.”

　

“That’s good to know, Angela, your daddy would be proud.” The old one took a gentle sip of coffee then continued, “Have you given any thought to how get the brute’s body out of here? It’s probably started to stink and soon the aroma of dead asshole will be everywhere.” She gulped her coffee with a grin.

　

Angela pondered the question a moment while I struggled to remain quiet. Dad’s eyes were completely riveted to the old woman. Angela took a pull from her bowl and replied, “I was thinking the doctor might be able to move him and we could use the spare parts for something.” She was almost too rational to describe. It seemed to me they were talking about what to do with the dog shit.

　

“That’s not a bad idea, I’ll run down to the basement and have a ‘chat’ with the doctor and we’ll see if that’ll work. You’re proving yourself to be a true reflection of your daddy. When he gets back from his trip the three of us will have to go out for dinner.” The elder Andersen seemed pleased by her grand-daughter’s performance.

　

“Great, then it’s settled, let me put my face on and we’ll take it from there.” Angela downed her bowl and stood up. The old woman nodded and poured herself another cup.

　

Dad and I snuck back toward the hole where he whispered,” That settles it; we have to get to this basemen and find out what the hell is really going on.”

　

I agreed with his proclamation then added, “How can we find this basement? This place has always given me the creeps you know?”

　

“We’ll park it right here until Agnes gets up, and then we’ll follow her to this doctor they keep talking about. Agnes was the old Andersen woman’s name? Well, there you go, I learn something new everyday. So we remained at the edge of the hole as Agnes drank her mud and looked around with a vacancy in her face. After a time I was getting bored and falling asleep. Dad nudged me with his nose and whispered, “Jeff, she’s finally getting off her ass. Stick close to the wall as we follow her.”

　

Agnes snapped up so fast I almost fell. From the long hall came Angela’s voice, “Nanny, do you remember the new combination for the lock? My memory has been fried since last night and all I can think of is the old combination.”

　

Agnes laughed merrily as she quickened her pace. “Of course I remember it, I’m not that old. Your face looks splendid; by the way, good job with the rouge.”

　

We caught up to them as we hid behind an old vacuum cleaner. Dad was more focused than I had ever seen him with his eyes riveted to the exchange of banter we saw. The basement door was opened and as soon as Angela turned to help her nanny navigate the steps, dad and I scurried to the opening. The steps were dark and full of webs, both spider and cob, as we huddled at the bottom waiting for the two to make it down. They did and then stepped toward an old washing machine. With the quick tug of a short chain, the machine rotated on a platform and revealed a rusty door that looked like it came from a castle. Blowing off dust and webbing, Angela grinned and revealed a huge combination lock. Agnes shot the younger a sly grin and said, “Turn the light on won’t you dear?”

　

Angela touched a piece of the wall next to a support beam and the area filled with a soft red glow. I could almost hear the tumblers falling into place as the door unlocked. A swift breeze came from the room as the door opened. It was fresher air than any I’d seen in the house to that point. The two Andersens walked through the door with dad and me close behind. The elder Andersen turned on a bluish light and said to the air, “Doctor Berry, we have a suggestion to make.”

　

My nerves were close to being shot as a chill ran through me and I searched for dad. He licked my head with understanding then sat close by my side. The quiet spinner that occupied the room eagerly turned to face Agnes. As the soft voice filled the chamber, I realized, it was that spoke was big and rectangular with at least ten spindly attachments coming from its back and middle. Its color was peach and on its top was a series of lights that varied in size, shape and color. As the smooth voice filled the hidden chamber, the lights sequentially irradiated. “What is the suggestion, my dear Agnes Andersen? Angela has me working on the body of a young female at the moment. It seems likely that we will be able to complete your new home by the end of the next period of light.”

　

Agnes blushed with anticipation and dad tilted his head toward the discussion. Then he pointed at a shelf I could easily jump to. He said, “Okay boy, take the shelf and get a good look at Dr. Berry.

While you are doing that I’m going to follow my nose and it should lead me to the body. We’ll meet at the entrance in five.”

　

I nodded obediently and hopped on the shelf to quietly pursue my mission. Dad ducked behind a chair and leaned his head back. While on the shelf I took in the surroundings. It was a gigantic (by my standards at the moment anyway) circular chamber with one light fixture in the center. There were a handful of folding chairs and a couple of recliners, there was also a small refrigerator and coffee table. There was a row of white sheets that hung from a clothes line through the center of the chamber. Dr. Berry had a very big strawberry drawn (poorly I’ll add) on his back. The computer that was the doctor’s brain was hooked up to the box and the limbs by a series of cables that extended from his back. The mainframe was attached to the wall and for all I could tell it was built that way.

　

I took it all in very carefully as Agnes started to reveal the plans laid out for the body of the asshole. She and Angela were going to use the slob’s remains to fuel their operation. She let it slip that the transfer stone was in need of repair. The Doctor listened to her ramblings and replied, “It sounds as if you have thought everything through, and I am impressed.”

　

“Excellent, then shall we proceed?” Agnes returned with a savage lilt.

　

The doctor turned to Angela, “How are you faring, dearest child, I certainly hope you were able to sleep well.”

　

Angela bounced on the balls of her feet, “Thank you, I finally managed to drift off to sleep about two in the morning. Do you have an idea how we can move the body to the lab?”

　

With a gentle hum the lights atop the box flickered and Dr. Berry answered, “I believe a small two-pronged jack would work in that capacity. Give me but a moment and I will fetch one for you.” The lights flickered in a new pattern as I felt as if my eyes were attached to a strobe light. A moment or so later, a short machine rolled out from under a table against the far wall. “That should suffice; the said body is near the tunnel, correct?”

　

“It is right where I left it. Unless of course it sprouted wings and flew away.” Angela answered quickly before exiting the chamber with the jack.

　

Dad tossed a pebble at my head which caught me in the ear. I shrugged it away and looked for him. He was waving a tissue at me from the corner of the exam table. As soon as Agnes started bragging about Angela to the doctor, I ran to the edge of the shelf and dove for dad. Chipmunks have solid, but flexible, bodies and I bounced a couple of times before dad stopped me.

　

He said, “Does this look like the same young lady you saw last night?”

　

I took a long look at the body laying on the table and felt like I was going to barf. It was her all right, I recognized the eyes, but her body was naked and absolutely hairless. It was a bit more than I was expecting so I simply nodded and dad put a calming paw on my shoulder. Then I caught his eye as he glanced toward a sparkling shape just above the woman’s button. I had to squint before I could make out anything but a piece of jewelry. I said, “What the hell is that anyway? I thought it was a ring or something but now I’m not sure.”

　

“I have a theory that says the doctor implanted that thing and plans to use it to clean this body out.”

　

“Clean it out of what? I hate to be the one to tell you this dad, she’s dead!”

　

He almost laughed, “No kidding little-pus, but that doesn’t mean she’s clean. I sometimes listen to what your mother researches and she was yapping about witch doctors the other day. At some point in the past, there was a series of witch doctors that had to clean a body out completely before it was buried. They then used to put a hex on the body so that the person didn’t die but instead were tortured with endless life. If this doctor was designed with anything like that in mind, he’s just cleaning her out for some purpose other than simple burial.”

　

I shivered and considered everything he said before coming to a conclusion I couldn’t help but blurt out. “The old hag is going to use this lady’s body for herself isn’t she?”

　

Dad’s eyes smiled and he said, “Of course, Watson, elementary isn’t it? There are two murders here and, since we have the guilty parties in hand, it is our job to see that justice is done.”

　

I was too excited to argue; although it was increasingly clear I had no idea what he had in mind. I nodded and he told me to watch him because I might learn something. Then my dad shot around to the back of the exam table as I watched. The lights on Doctor Berry flashed out of sequence and Agnes Andersen stood and watched with a look of confusion creeping across her cracked old face. I heard a rumble and my eyes flew open as I saw a truly gigantic Kodiak bear emerge from the table. Agnes screamed and Angela came back into the chamber nervously. The bear then trashed the doctor and growled at the women. While frozen with fear, the two scoundrels were wrapped up tightly with a clothes line. The cadaver was left untouched as the Kodiak

Finished tying the knot around the women, he He bent over and told me, “Go get your mother and Lester Freely to arrest these clowns. Tell your mother where the other body is and to hurry.”

　

Without a second thought, I ran as fast as I could back to where we’d left mom. I felt myself reverting back to human form as I rounded the corner and hopped into the pickup. Mom was drinking a cup of coffee and smiling as I slipped myself into the sweats I left behind. I gave her the message dad sent and she watched me dress. As soon as I was done, I noticed she’d put the truck into gear and we turned to the 6/4 Mart. The street is usually empty at this time of day on weekends and we were able to find Officer Freely (my dad’s oldest friend, my godfather, and a beat cop) standing outside the root beer stand. When mom explained things to him I watched with amazement. She’d left out certain parts of the story and told Lester that I’d been in the area on my bike and smelled something funny. After checking the bottom of my feet, I noticed a pack of animals and flies gathering and found a body.

　

Mom was very clever with her tales and Lester shook his head at her and said, “Well, I’ll say this much for old Mike, he sure is steady ain’t he? I mean, since we were kids he’s always found the way to make trouble for troublemakers. Ha, okay, the old Andersen place is where this crew can be found?”

　

“Yes, they are in the basement with some strange equipment. Mike is probably hungry by now. I’m going to head on into the store and grab him a Bear Claw Danish.” Mom sent me a wink and I let go a snort.

　

Lester said to me as he stepped to his cruiser, “Wow, Jeff, whatever you do make sure you follow your old man. He may not be the prettiest guy around but he always does the right thing.” Climbing into the cruiser and firing the engine up Lester Freely added, “Never will grow up that one, ha!”

　

　

　

Which reminded me of the retard’s paper that was due Monday. I shrugged as I considered what I was going to say in the essay. Then the crisp autumn wind blew across my face and I smiled while looking skyward. Who in their right mind wants to grow up? I don’t know about you but it sure isn’t me.

　

-Finis-

Why I want to Grow Up - part I

“Why I want to Grow Up”

By Jeffery Goldman

The man who hands out these assignments is a retard. I don’t want to grow up-ever! Adults have no idea what they’re doing or how to have a good time. Let me start at the beginning because it makes sense. I’m fourteen years old and a plain guy. I’m not a jock, druggie or a player. I’m only doing this stupid class work because I was told if I don’t the whole world will hate my guts until I’m dead. It’s a real ass-pain to be a fourteen year old in 2025. The fat kids, dope addicts, football stars and computer geeks have taken everything and turned it into a job.

　

The fat kids piss me off more than anyone because they’re always being told they ’can’t help it’ that their parents are so dumb they never learned to say to their kid “No, you can’t have that.”

　

　

The dope addicts annoy the shit out of me because we’re always told to feel as bad for them as the fat kids who can’t help it either. These kids were forced to do drugs and leave reality by the media. Now they get to go on retreats and to camps made for them. The football stars are all hooked on gambling and ‘set a bad example’ but we shouldn’t yell at them because God decided they should be blessed with athletic ability which turned evil on them. The geeks, meanwhile, have the balls to convince the world the ’future’ is in technology so we have to train all the time to be like them.

　

I really don’t want to grow up, do these retarded assignments or be an adult because the economy has gotten to the point where the only way anybody can get by is by becoming fat, geeky or a druggie. These are the people this American society takes care of. That being the case; I have no desire to do anything but be a bum on my parents’ couch. I sure as hell never planned to become anything like a working man. People who work are boring and grow ulcers, get cancer, or diabetes or some other terrible disease. The work these people do is nothing more than monitor other people’s progress and complain when someone falls out of line.

　

Anyway, Mr. Burke, a short roly-poly guy with nothing on top of his head but a big scar shaped like a turkey, handed this assignment out to me and my class. Supposedly to make us think about the future, that’s what he told us the principal, Miss Bromine told him. Miss Bromine is a big boobed lady I always thought was a model of some kind in another life. She has fluffy yellow hair with streaks of grey, kind, seductive blue eyes and a slender figure. If you ask me, Burke wants to hop on Bromine and do the nasty.

2

　

　

I turned to the clock on the wall hoping like hell it would give me good news and felt relief as it showed the time as being 2:30. The bell rang and I sighed deeply. We had only to stop at homeroom then listen to the silly announcements and we were free for the weekend. I sat patiently as the rest of the class hurried to the door to escape. It always seemed to me the hurry that people were in is the main reason they never enjoy themselves you know? There is another kid, Jeremy Kemp, who always lagged behind the rest of our class like me. Jeremy is a cool guy because he doesn’t like the idea of being molded into a jerk as much as I. He always whistled to himself as he watched the class march to the beat they were given. He whistled softly as the cheering crowd flooded the hallway. He had short dark hair that I always figured was his mom’s doing. With skinny legs, and a droopy grin, Jeremy seemed as laid back as anyone which is something I admired.

　

After everyone else had gone, we stood up and began to step toward the door. Watching us with no stealth at all, Burke grinned. Jeremy and I walked into the hallway and casually shot the crap as we returned to homeroom. He said, “So what do you think about the mission?” Jeremy’s dad was a soldier from the war against Iraq so he always called our assignments missions.

　

“I don’t know it seems kind of a stupid thing to ask a ninth grader. Why do I want to be an adult? Let me see here, so I don’t have to answer stupid questions like that anymore?”

　

We shared a laugh, and then he said, “I agree with you there, I might have some trouble coming up with reasons to grow up outside of telling all the teachers to go to hell. What do you say we hang out tomorrow and trade notes? We should be able to write something ‘intellectual’ together. We can always change our stuff just a little so the goober doesn’t know he’s reading the same paper twice.” Jeremy smiled at me slyly.

　

I noticed we were at homeroom so I stopped talking and nodded my approval of the plan. I found my seat and waited for Mrs. Weaver to give us the announcements. Ms. Weaver was our homeroom fantasy lady. There was nobody in the entire class that didn’t think about her while playing with themselves. Girls would be included in that number because I overheard Jean Wilson and Marcia Genk talking one time. If it weren’t for the fact that she was so hot, no one would have paid any attention to Mrs. Weaver. She was tallish, had a perfect figure eight shape, big tits, nice ass and twin black eyes that could stare into your soul and dig out your greatest wish for you to see.

3

The announcements were the usual crap about the upcoming celebration for those goofy retards that got blown up back in ‘01, the homecoming dance and the new uniforms we all had to buy. After she was done, Ms. Weaver gave us the treat for the weekend as she bent over to pick up a piece of chalk and exposed her cleavage. I glanced around to be sure everyone else got a peek and then grinned as Trisha Polynice had to stop chewing her gum so it wouldn’t be swallowed. Trisha was going out with Rhonda Spears and both giggled as they touched each other’s hands before standing. Damn, I sometimes wish the homosexual revolution never took place. Trisha was a total bomb that I’d like to do the nasty with but she was in love with Rhonda so there was no way in hell she’d ever even think about somebody who had a penis.

　

Class was over for the first weekend of the year and I let go a heavy sigh as I turned to my locker. Gathering my knapsack with the electronic book and my assignments, I watched with envy as Jeremy and his boyfriend (a druggie wannabe) named Don, swapped spit and then held hands and marched out the door. I was envious because they had each other to fool around with. People call me a throwback and, therefore, a dead-end, because I like the idea of having a woman to have sex with. Sue me; I don’t understand why a guy would want another guy. It’s cool they do and I really don’t care, I just want a girl. Jeremy threw a glance at me as he stepped away and I nodded because it meant he’d call me after ten in the morning.

　

The class emptied into the hall while I waited for them to clear. Ms. Weaver was watching me from her seat and cleared her throat to get my attention. I knew the gesture well and turned to face her. She draped one arm across the arm of the chair and the other held her head. She smiled at me and I felt my pulse quicken to the point I thought she could hear my heart pounding through my chest. “Jeff,” she began while her eyebrow slowly rose and she licked her bottom lip, “you seem a little more disturbed than usual. What’s up is there anything I can do?”

　

She had to have known how much I was turned on as I fumbled for words and tried not to stare at her beautiful tits. We’d had conversations before about my intelligence/aptitude tests. Ms. Weaver was very much in tune with her students and seemed to really give a shit if somebody was having problems. She was the first adult I’d known to address my ’disturbing’ moods. I had told her many times about my worries regarding the future I was supposed to be such a part of. The I.A. tests had shown that I was a bright guy with a flair for words that could be anything my heart desired as long as it was intellectually tough. I hemmed and hawed briefly and then spilled my guts after she caught me with a gorgeous black eye.

　

　

4

“We got the crappy assignment from Burke to write an essay about why we want to grow up. To be honest; I really have no desire to become old. So I’m thinking about that and Jeremy and Don seem so happy that it really pisses me off.”

　

The eyebrow shot the rest of the way to the top of her beautiful head and she said, “Do you have the hots for Jeremy?”

　

While I understand the reason for the question, the effect on my stomach was unpleasant as hell. Jeremy was as cool as a guy could be but my dick has been reserved for someone with a vagina. “No, Ms. Weaver, I like the guy but not like that. The fact is I know it might make me sound like I’m an old man, I want a girlfriend.” I said it and felt my cheeks flush as I watched Ms. Weaver digest my statement. Then she patted the desk for me to sit, I hopped on the edge and aimed my eyes directly on hers so she wouldn’t think I was a pervert or something.

　

She actually reached out and took my sweaty palm into her hand and said, “It is okay, Jeffery, you are not the only person in the world that still enjoys conventional sexual relationships. I have been on both sides of the proverbial fence and I’m still not sure what I prefer.”

　

Now that was unexpected as hell! I attempted to grin but was met by a lump in my Levis. I was unsure of what to say next because, even though the revolution was over and homosexuality was as much a part of ’acceptable society’ as hetero-sexuality, it was frowned on to expose your particular pleasure to minors. In fact, she was now treading through dangerous waters because I could sue her and have her job under the harassment regulations that were passed in 2014. I flipped my sack over to cover my hard member and said, “Really, I always thought you and Ms. Caterwaul had a thing going?”

　

Ms. Caterwaul was the ugliest creature God ever screwed up who worked in the cafeteria. She always had at least one pea stuck in her teeth and smelled like rotting milk. She was a nice enough lunch lady but, yuck, after the rumor had spread that Caterwaul and Weaver was going together, I was repulsed but shrugged.

　

“Alice has her fantasies and yes, we used to share an apartment, but that was only a rumor.” Ms. Weaver said to me with a lilt in her voice.

5

“We all have our own fantasies, Jeff. I sincerely hope you find yours, there’s no need to worry I’m sure there is a girl in this school who would love to get with a guy like you. You are a sweetheart and I think you’ll be all right. Don’t worry so much about what tomorrow may bring, okay?”

　

Thank God I checked my watch and said, “I really have to go now, Ms. Weaver, thanks for the talk.”

　

　

As I hopped off the desk and headed for the door, she said, “Lydia, from now on, when we’re alone like this, I want you to call me Lydia, if that’s okay with you Jeff.”

　

　

“Lydia,” I smiled broadly and shot the stunning homeroom teacher with my finger.

　

　

The coast was clear enough as I stepped into the empty hallway with my body screaming for relief. I struggled with the idea of calling a hot babe like Ms. Weaver, Lydia. My head was soaring through the fantasies I’d had for as long as I could remember. I was glad the autumn was setting in because it meant that the air would be a lot cooler and boy, I needed to be cooled down a lot.

　

I went outside and felt the north wind breeze over me and took in a long breath. The school bus had already left but, after talking to my dad about the ordeal of having to be bussed, I figured it didn’t matter. The only time it’s important to be on the bus is in the morning because they yell at you when you’re late for school. In the afternoon nobody gives a shit because, after all, who in hell is in a hurry to get home? I decided to take a trip before heading to the house. There were a couple reasons for this; first, I had to get the image of Ms. Weaver and me bumping uglies out of my mind, second, dad and mom never put pressure on me to be back before dinner, and third, I really wanted a new adventure.

　

I traipsed to the woods and on the way I saw a very old woman trying her best to move a shit-load of packages from the back of an old car to her house. My parents had always taught me to help out whoever, whenever, wherever I could. So I put my sack

6

down and skipped over with my hands held out. The old woman looked at me with a smile that said she was happy to see someone willing to help her.

I nodded politely as I hefted a huge bag and turned to lug it across the driveway. This woman had no idea how to shop for food either, the bag was stuffed to the point of tearing and I could see she’d bought the same item at least ten times. I was happy to have the distraction and worked with a slight smirk on my face. I put the bag on the porch and turned back for another when the old lady stopped moving. I wasn’t sure what the problem was but she just froze in place. After the school had been trained in C.P.R. and First Aid I was certified to perform both so I jumped over to see if there was any medical problem.

　

　

Her eyes were glazed over and her head was pointed toward the sky. I wasn’t sure what I could do but, outside of the seizure she looked like she might go into, there wasn’t anything I could see wrong. I said, “Excuse me, Ma’am, what’s wrong?”

　

She didn’t take her eyes from whatever she was looking at as she said, “Curiosity killed the cat, he died okay, but at least he found out what he wanted to know.” I thought it was a strange thing to say but then figured she was going to be alright.

　

I shot her a smile, “When you’re right, and you sure are, you’re right.”

　

Then the old woman grabbed my hand with more force than I thought she was capable of and thrust it to her chest. Before I could do or say anything, she snatched my head with her free hand and brought it to the ground. I was amazed a skinny old woman could be so strong and paralyze me. The thought then drifted through my mind that I must look silly in this position. She then began to chant in a language I’d never heard. The world started spinning around me and I felt my body being called to the ground. Then she said, “Good kitty, everything is going to be wonderful, as long as you don’t ask any questions.”

　

The cool autumn breezes picked up slightly and my vision became fuzzed. It was almost as though I was inside of a mirror looking out. The most wonderful aroma came to my nose as I swore there was a big bowl of well cooked chicken waiting for me to devour. I shrugged, then stood and stretched out with a long yawn. It took a moment before I realized what happened: I had grown a tail and long whiskers. The hair on my face was fluffy and thick and my ears were huge. I looked around to see where I was and the whole world was upside down.

7

Everything was gigantic and so far above me I almost cried.

　

　

Casually (as casually as I could be anyhow) I strolled around the big wooden floor to get to know my surroundings better and find some way of seeing what I looked like. I realized I was in a kitchen because I eyed a fridge, stove and a table. I hopped on a chair then to the table where there was a toaster. With a sidelong glance at the toaster, I checked myself out. I was a cat, more like an overgrown kitten, with a furry white neck and a long fluffy tail. My mind was adjusting too quickly to the change for my own tastes but, I thought briefly, it can’t possibly last. My stomach was motivated so it signaled my nose which pointed in the direction of a flat red bowl. I skipped over to the bowl and pigged out on the tuna that was there.

　

Cats have a decent appetite so I was happy the food was available. My neck started making noise, which startled me at first, and then I smiled as I enjoyed purring. The next thing I saw freaked me out.

　

From behind me I heard something very big move. I ducked behind the fridge and saw a tall person wearing a hood and a very long dark overcoat. I watched this person from behind the fridge as they flipped the light on and stooped to all fours and began to creep about the place. I had no idea what this person’s gender was until it spoke in a whisper. “Damn it, what the hell did you do to the rock, Mrs. Andersen?” The voice was definitely feminine and I took note of the way the woman slid her hand around the floor by the stove. She was obviously looking for something small.

　

I heard a banging come from the hall then which alarmed me for a second. Then there was a huge person that entered the room with a sledgehammer. The woman on the floor quickly looked up and before she could say anything the sledgehammer was sent with force to her head. The hood was dripping with blood as the big man stepped over to the now dead woman and smiled. He had greasy eyes that glared at the corpse. His costume was that of overalls with sweat and a dark film that seemed to be all over him. He wore worn construction boots and a long lumberjack shirt tied around his neck. To be truthful, he reminded me of an old comic book villain with a cape. The old woman emerged then, a much younger version of her anyway; she was wearing a blue bathrobe and bunny slippers.

　

When she saw the caped man, she shrieked and froze in place. He laughed coldly as he peered at her and raised the sledgehammer. I’d be damned if I was going to