Shannon’s Place
"Okay, I grant the absurdity of everything that had gone on to this point, the thing is, I never will figure out the mindset of people. Further, I tried to make do with what I had, which is why the macaroni tasted like feet. It wasn’t my fault some clown put the dirty clothes with the groceries and they had to be separated quickly. As for the cheese, it was left over from the Second World War and discovered in an old chest in the attic after we moved in. like I said, I always make do with what I have.” Shannon Elizabeth was desperately trying to explain to her in-laws and guests why the housewarming dinner they just consumed was so oddly flavored.
She was a young thirty-year-old wife who, with her husband of twelve years and twins and triplets, had just moved into one of the oldest houses in Laketon. The guests were stunned into silence as they exchanged troubled glances with each other. From beneath the table, a giggle emerged. Turning into a sadistic laugh, it erupted and the people in the room felt an urgent sense of concern wash over them. That’s when they saw the slight figure of a man rise from the floor.
Frozen in an eternal moment, Mr. Elizabeth sr. grinned. “I told you didn’t I Rob?” He stabbed a pointy finger at his son, “There is a reason this creepy old place was so cheap it is haunted.”
The figure then opened his mouth and a swarm of mosquitoes flew to
freedom as it said, “Serves you right to have to eat that garbage. I worked here for years under that tyrant of an ass, Bugglesbee. After the old coot finally kicked it, he teased me into swallowing poison and joining him. That’s my story and yours will be just as unpleasant if you decide to stay and let the crusty old bird profit from your purchase!”
“Bugglesbee was one of the founding fathers of this county. Generations
of his family lived here, now the last one died forty years ago. What the hell are you talking about, nobody who’s dead can profit from anything.” Shannon was frustrated at the specter that decided to ruin her dinner. She stood with crossed arms defiantly before the spirit.
The ghost studied the woman for a moment as his eyes shifted and he tried to figure out what next to do. Finally he peeped, “I’m sorry, okay?” Elegant tears of ruby started to fall from his decrepit eyes. “There is no profit is there? You are right you know I don’t know why I did not realize it sooner.”
Shannon was still annoyed despite the remorseful nature of this ghost. “Because you’re a stupid man and always will be. Don’t worry about it though; some of the greatest people are not the sharpest knives in the shed.”
She then reached out to brush his tears from his eyes and the rest of the folks remained in a state of shock. The house became an inn with an added bonus-the ghost of Todd Caruthers (1 time executive, one time butler, now full time spirit) who would entertain the customers with tales of how it was back in the day and parlor tricks.
-Finis-
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Buggaloo
“Buggaloo”
“Okay, so I’m bored out of my mind right, and trying my best to think of something to do when this idea fell out of the sky and landed with a crash outside my window. Naturally I got up and took a look to find out what it was, right? My eyes almost fell out of my head when they saw this blue egg. I didn’t know what else to do so I tossed my robe on and went to have a look. The side of the egg had only one word on it: Please. I’m thinking ‘please what?’ That’s when things started going haywire.
The idea cracked a little and before I knew what happened this funky looking guy stepped out of it. He was naked and had shoulder-length beard hair that was a ridiculous shade of brown. His eyes seemed hollow and he spoke to me. “Hello, my friend, greetings from the other side are brought to you by Stanley’s Mill Service. If you are looking for the best deals in flour manufacturing call us or jump on your computer. We can be reached at (888) 181-2041 or www.stanley.com. I am Walt and I am here to help you find something to do. Thank you for your interest in this program!”
The weird thing is that Walt had no unit, I mean of any kind just a voice and big muscles. Pass me another beer okay?” Zed Samuels was determined to get as drunk as he possibly could so he could forget what happened to him.
The friend he was talking to was Melanie Mogers and they’d known each other for the last few years. Starting with the day he’d first stopped into the convenience store/gas station she worked at. The mart was just off the highway and Zed lived in an old house once owned by his long dead grandfather. The house was small and had a decent sized yard that was used to grow roses when he was a kid but now only produced weeds. Zed had found work doing day labor for an operation called Payday and was a bit of a geek. He had short dark hair, clean-shaven, with deep-set eyes and a fairly trim body. M&M, as she’d been nick-named, was a failed beautician who was working full-time at the mart and part time cutting hair. She had short locks of pink that adorned her head, a slim figure with slightly out-of-proportion breasts, and soft dark eyes. The two made quite a pair but neither considered anything but friendship from the other.
It was a Saturday morning and traffic was light as the weekend brought with it the sense of relaxation that is borne of a hard-worked week. M&M was listening to Zed’s tale as he drank beers that she’d hidden in the fridge. Generally it was considered a non-alcoholic place but Melanie often broke the rules for her own satisfaction. The way she, and the management, thought it was okay to allow the beer as long as it wasn’t drunk when she was on duty. She sighed with a slight grin, “Zed, what are you trying to say? A man just dropped out of a huge egg and gave you that shiner?”
Zed’s left eye was puffing black and his clothes were a shamble. He slugged the beer can and said, “Well not exactly, the shiner is a present from someone else. Let me tell you all about it. Trust me when I say this is one story you’ll not soon forget.”
Cradling her head in her arms, M&M leaned over to listen as her eyes grew. “If there were anything better to do right now, I would, since nothing is going on I’m all ears. What happened next?”
He drew back and finished the beer and then sent a half-smile out as he explained. “Well I thought the guy must be freezing or something right? So I laugh and tell him to come inside and warm up while he tells me what’s going on. He shrugs and steps out of his egg and we walk into the house.
“I know not if you are aware of the manner in which things function. Like a cup of coffee, if you don’t mind, with a touch of cream only please. Sugar goes right to my thighs and the last thing I want to do is appear to her majesty-my wife-plump at all. It makes for a silly time. While you prepare my beverage explain will I what it is you can do this day.” The odd blue man was pleasant enough.
Zed did as was requested and listened intensely to Walt. The blue man grinned as the coffee slowly percolated. “There are flowers that need attending to just outside the door. They require water and food. Also they would like you to know they dislike being ignored so please if you talk to them on a daily basis, it would be appreciated.”
Walt smiled as Zed returned, “You want me to talk to the plants? Okay, I can do that I suppose, my mom left a whole list of directions on what to feed the little buggers so I reckon I can pick some plant food up.” Zed nodded thoughtfully and asked, “Outside of the plants, what else can I do?”
Walt smiled, “You can check on your old Math tutor Mr. Greely. He’s been sick and needs someone to help him. By Which I mean, that by helping him just someone with whom to talk and laugh loud again. The old guy is getting on in years and thoughts of his daffiness are becoming more pronounced. Him you should think about often more.”
Zed felt a bit of shame enter the room and rest on his belly button. Mr. Greely was a great guy without whose help Zed would never have gotten out of high school. He had no idea the man was in any sort of need. “I haven’t seen him in ages, I wonder what he’d say if I just showed up out of the blue?”
Walt realized the coffee was ready and pointed at the small pot. As Zed shot the strange blue fellow with his forefinger, he turned around to fix a cup. Walt said, “Mr. Greely would probably say: “Buggaloo’ because that’s the only word he has left in his otherwise empty head.” Walt grinned solemnly as Zed handed hi the coffee.
“I thought you said he was sick or something? I figured you were talking about the flu or a cold. What do you mean ’all that’s left’? He went crazy?”
“Afraid I am that this is so, the reason for his illness traced to the microscopic level it is. He was infected with a virus that ekes away at the stem of the brain and then victims find themselves running out of thoughts. Sorry, this makes me feel for you that ignorance of this condition exists.”
Zed sighed for a moment and then said, with a resolve that made Walt shiver, “Take me to him and I’ll see if I can be of any help.” Walt patted the man’s shoulder and they returned to the egg. A moment later they were inside the Home for Resident Lunatics on the hillside. Zed was unsure and said, “Okay, so where is his room and is there any chance I could catch anything while I’m here?”
Walt shook his head and replied, “Youthful vigor you have for protection, worried not should you be. Mr. Greely way this is, me you follow to him.”
As they began to walk across the grounds (it was as beautiful and well kept a place as any not a cemetery) Zed was full of questions he felt compelled to ask. He started with this one: “How does this work, I noticed from the inside of the egg that it’s made by Stanley Ideas, can other people see us?”
Walt sparkled, “The way things work I believe not at all. Of course I could be wrong, though I doubt it.” Zed nodded with relief as he began to enjoy the fragrant flowers and the gently moving stream that ran through the grounds. They came to a wall and walked through it to the room where Greely sat. The old man looked liked a burnt potato with drool coming down his cheek.
Zed felt a sadness overcome him as he checked to see where everyone else was, he asked, “So this is it, where are the nurses?”
“Smoking grass or drinking cartons of wine probably. The way this place works is this: patients in private rooms have nothing but meals served to them twice a day and those without are grouped in halls. The patients who are grouped play games and vegetate by the television. Mr. Greely fortunate is considered because he sleeps in private. Good insurance is for some things guess I.” Walt studied the old man’s face for a moment.
Zed decided this was not the way he wished to see his former mentor treated and stood in front of the old man with a smile. “Mr. Greely, I have to ask a question, what is the square root of pi?”
Greely smiled vacantly and replied, “Buggaloo!”
Zed was undeterred, “How have you been anyway, it’s been a long time?”
“Buggaloo.”
Zed stared at Walt then said, “Why the hell did you tell me to come here and what in God’s name does Buggaloo mean?”
“Vacant and empty is this man’s brain, the only thing that remains is the word. Cannot he speak, or think, of anything else. Tragic this is this much I know. Always there is a way to change things but no cure yet has been found. Sorry am I for this as much as you.”
“Well why the hell did you bring me here you dope? If there’s nothing I can do to help him there’s no point in coming here. Don’t give me that crap about gratitude either, there’s no reason for me or anyone else to be grateful someone else is screwed up!” Zed was angry now and this made the blue fellow smile.
“Exactly the point, Zed you can change this man’s mind. It needs to be repaired and the way to do that is simple. Ideas are all that is needed for recovery to commence. You can be a bored man so you get the fact that doing stuff, however ridiculous, can be a help. Look into his eyes and see the hollowness this virus caused to him. Come on, look!”
Zed did as was ordered and saw a pink booger floating in the old man’s eye. Behind the booger there was the vastness of outer space. A new thought appeared in Zed’s mind. He clutched it with both hands as well as feet. The thought was about scantily clad women running with a beach ball. He shoved this thought into Mr. Greely’s head and sweat started dripping from him as he gathered his breath. The old man sucked the drool back into his mouth and a soft smile slowly spread across his wrinkled face. He shot up from the chair and inadvertently belted Zed’s eye.
Zed fell backward and crashed on the floor, he then said, “Buggaloo.”
At this point Walt laughed happily and said, “Now that’s a thing of beauty. My work here is done, clever thinking about the young ladies, now don’t forget about the plants!” Walt climbed into his egg and vanished.
Mr. Greely then stood up and shook the cobwebs from his head loose. He saw Zed trying to get up and helped the lad. “Zed, well my boy, it’s been some time hasn’t it?”
Zed smiled as he realized his eye was swelling. “It sure has, Mr. Greely, do you know where you are?”
“It looks like I’ve graduated to the Home for Resident Lunatics. Based upon the absurd outfit I’m wearing I’d say they’ve taken me for a patient. I’ve been doing volunteer work here since my retirement. What are you doing here and why do I have this urge to run around with girls more than half my age and play beach ball?” Greely seemed completely in charge of his faculties and a bit confused.
“You know something; I’m not going to bother trying to explain. I hate to do this but I’ve got to go to the plant store and grab some food. Call me later though and we’ll get together for a cup of coffee or dinner.” Zed then gave the old man a warm hug and the two parted ways.
By the time he finished with his tale, M&M was laughing so hard she almost peed her pants. Zed swallowed another beer and looked into her eyes as if seeing them for the first time. She glanced at him and touched his face with her hand. “Zed, that has to be the most outrageous story you’ve ever come up with. Now that’s a story that definitely explains a black eye. Thanks for sharing it, it made my day!”
Zed put the beer can down and grabbed Melanie with both arms. The girl was laughing so hard there were tears welling in her eyes. Zed leaned her back and laid a kiss on her unlike any she’d ever gotten. She was so thrilled before she knew it she was kissing him back. Thank the lord business was light or they might’ve been arrested for lewd conduct. After sucking face for what seemed only a few minutes, Zed stopped kissing the young woman and stared into Melanie’s eyes. “Meet me at my house tonight about seven; we can pick this up then.” He winked at her and broke the embrace.
She nodded as she fixed her shirt and said, “Zed, you’ve got a date, make it half past though. I’ll bring the beer and you just bring yourself.” With a bright smile she waved a fond farewell.
Zed skipped and hopped his way home. When he walked inside, the plants all seemed to have grown. With a wink in his eye he said, “Make sure you guys all behave because there’s a beauty coming by tonight.”
The plants nodded with obedience and Zed fired up the shower. As soon as the water was a good temperature and he was a bout to step inside, he heard a familiar crash. Rolling his eyes, he went to see what caused the noise.
Walt grinned, “Remember, that’s Stanley’s Mill Service. Please call soon, we love you almost as much as we love your money!” Then the blue fellow climbed back into his egg and disappeared.
Zed turned back to the shower as he mused, “I’ve got to get out more often.”
End
“Okay, so I’m bored out of my mind right, and trying my best to think of something to do when this idea fell out of the sky and landed with a crash outside my window. Naturally I got up and took a look to find out what it was, right? My eyes almost fell out of my head when they saw this blue egg. I didn’t know what else to do so I tossed my robe on and went to have a look. The side of the egg had only one word on it: Please. I’m thinking ‘please what?’ That’s when things started going haywire.
The idea cracked a little and before I knew what happened this funky looking guy stepped out of it. He was naked and had shoulder-length beard hair that was a ridiculous shade of brown. His eyes seemed hollow and he spoke to me. “Hello, my friend, greetings from the other side are brought to you by Stanley’s Mill Service. If you are looking for the best deals in flour manufacturing call us or jump on your computer. We can be reached at (888) 181-2041 or www.stanley.com. I am Walt and I am here to help you find something to do. Thank you for your interest in this program!”
The weird thing is that Walt had no unit, I mean of any kind just a voice and big muscles. Pass me another beer okay?” Zed Samuels was determined to get as drunk as he possibly could so he could forget what happened to him.
The friend he was talking to was Melanie Mogers and they’d known each other for the last few years. Starting with the day he’d first stopped into the convenience store/gas station she worked at. The mart was just off the highway and Zed lived in an old house once owned by his long dead grandfather. The house was small and had a decent sized yard that was used to grow roses when he was a kid but now only produced weeds. Zed had found work doing day labor for an operation called Payday and was a bit of a geek. He had short dark hair, clean-shaven, with deep-set eyes and a fairly trim body. M&M, as she’d been nick-named, was a failed beautician who was working full-time at the mart and part time cutting hair. She had short locks of pink that adorned her head, a slim figure with slightly out-of-proportion breasts, and soft dark eyes. The two made quite a pair but neither considered anything but friendship from the other.
It was a Saturday morning and traffic was light as the weekend brought with it the sense of relaxation that is borne of a hard-worked week. M&M was listening to Zed’s tale as he drank beers that she’d hidden in the fridge. Generally it was considered a non-alcoholic place but Melanie often broke the rules for her own satisfaction. The way she, and the management, thought it was okay to allow the beer as long as it wasn’t drunk when she was on duty. She sighed with a slight grin, “Zed, what are you trying to say? A man just dropped out of a huge egg and gave you that shiner?”
Zed’s left eye was puffing black and his clothes were a shamble. He slugged the beer can and said, “Well not exactly, the shiner is a present from someone else. Let me tell you all about it. Trust me when I say this is one story you’ll not soon forget.”
Cradling her head in her arms, M&M leaned over to listen as her eyes grew. “If there were anything better to do right now, I would, since nothing is going on I’m all ears. What happened next?”
He drew back and finished the beer and then sent a half-smile out as he explained. “Well I thought the guy must be freezing or something right? So I laugh and tell him to come inside and warm up while he tells me what’s going on. He shrugs and steps out of his egg and we walk into the house.
“I know not if you are aware of the manner in which things function. Like a cup of coffee, if you don’t mind, with a touch of cream only please. Sugar goes right to my thighs and the last thing I want to do is appear to her majesty-my wife-plump at all. It makes for a silly time. While you prepare my beverage explain will I what it is you can do this day.” The odd blue man was pleasant enough.
Zed did as was requested and listened intensely to Walt. The blue man grinned as the coffee slowly percolated. “There are flowers that need attending to just outside the door. They require water and food. Also they would like you to know they dislike being ignored so please if you talk to them on a daily basis, it would be appreciated.”
Walt smiled as Zed returned, “You want me to talk to the plants? Okay, I can do that I suppose, my mom left a whole list of directions on what to feed the little buggers so I reckon I can pick some plant food up.” Zed nodded thoughtfully and asked, “Outside of the plants, what else can I do?”
Walt smiled, “You can check on your old Math tutor Mr. Greely. He’s been sick and needs someone to help him. By Which I mean, that by helping him just someone with whom to talk and laugh loud again. The old guy is getting on in years and thoughts of his daffiness are becoming more pronounced. Him you should think about often more.”
Zed felt a bit of shame enter the room and rest on his belly button. Mr. Greely was a great guy without whose help Zed would never have gotten out of high school. He had no idea the man was in any sort of need. “I haven’t seen him in ages, I wonder what he’d say if I just showed up out of the blue?”
Walt realized the coffee was ready and pointed at the small pot. As Zed shot the strange blue fellow with his forefinger, he turned around to fix a cup. Walt said, “Mr. Greely would probably say: “Buggaloo’ because that’s the only word he has left in his otherwise empty head.” Walt grinned solemnly as Zed handed hi the coffee.
“I thought you said he was sick or something? I figured you were talking about the flu or a cold. What do you mean ’all that’s left’? He went crazy?”
“Afraid I am that this is so, the reason for his illness traced to the microscopic level it is. He was infected with a virus that ekes away at the stem of the brain and then victims find themselves running out of thoughts. Sorry, this makes me feel for you that ignorance of this condition exists.”
Zed sighed for a moment and then said, with a resolve that made Walt shiver, “Take me to him and I’ll see if I can be of any help.” Walt patted the man’s shoulder and they returned to the egg. A moment later they were inside the Home for Resident Lunatics on the hillside. Zed was unsure and said, “Okay, so where is his room and is there any chance I could catch anything while I’m here?”
Walt shook his head and replied, “Youthful vigor you have for protection, worried not should you be. Mr. Greely way this is, me you follow to him.”
As they began to walk across the grounds (it was as beautiful and well kept a place as any not a cemetery) Zed was full of questions he felt compelled to ask. He started with this one: “How does this work, I noticed from the inside of the egg that it’s made by Stanley Ideas, can other people see us?”
Walt sparkled, “The way things work I believe not at all. Of course I could be wrong, though I doubt it.” Zed nodded with relief as he began to enjoy the fragrant flowers and the gently moving stream that ran through the grounds. They came to a wall and walked through it to the room where Greely sat. The old man looked liked a burnt potato with drool coming down his cheek.
Zed felt a sadness overcome him as he checked to see where everyone else was, he asked, “So this is it, where are the nurses?”
“Smoking grass or drinking cartons of wine probably. The way this place works is this: patients in private rooms have nothing but meals served to them twice a day and those without are grouped in halls. The patients who are grouped play games and vegetate by the television. Mr. Greely fortunate is considered because he sleeps in private. Good insurance is for some things guess I.” Walt studied the old man’s face for a moment.
Zed decided this was not the way he wished to see his former mentor treated and stood in front of the old man with a smile. “Mr. Greely, I have to ask a question, what is the square root of pi?”
Greely smiled vacantly and replied, “Buggaloo!”
Zed was undeterred, “How have you been anyway, it’s been a long time?”
“Buggaloo.”
Zed stared at Walt then said, “Why the hell did you tell me to come here and what in God’s name does Buggaloo mean?”
“Vacant and empty is this man’s brain, the only thing that remains is the word. Cannot he speak, or think, of anything else. Tragic this is this much I know. Always there is a way to change things but no cure yet has been found. Sorry am I for this as much as you.”
“Well why the hell did you bring me here you dope? If there’s nothing I can do to help him there’s no point in coming here. Don’t give me that crap about gratitude either, there’s no reason for me or anyone else to be grateful someone else is screwed up!” Zed was angry now and this made the blue fellow smile.
“Exactly the point, Zed you can change this man’s mind. It needs to be repaired and the way to do that is simple. Ideas are all that is needed for recovery to commence. You can be a bored man so you get the fact that doing stuff, however ridiculous, can be a help. Look into his eyes and see the hollowness this virus caused to him. Come on, look!”
Zed did as was ordered and saw a pink booger floating in the old man’s eye. Behind the booger there was the vastness of outer space. A new thought appeared in Zed’s mind. He clutched it with both hands as well as feet. The thought was about scantily clad women running with a beach ball. He shoved this thought into Mr. Greely’s head and sweat started dripping from him as he gathered his breath. The old man sucked the drool back into his mouth and a soft smile slowly spread across his wrinkled face. He shot up from the chair and inadvertently belted Zed’s eye.
Zed fell backward and crashed on the floor, he then said, “Buggaloo.”
At this point Walt laughed happily and said, “Now that’s a thing of beauty. My work here is done, clever thinking about the young ladies, now don’t forget about the plants!” Walt climbed into his egg and vanished.
Mr. Greely then stood up and shook the cobwebs from his head loose. He saw Zed trying to get up and helped the lad. “Zed, well my boy, it’s been some time hasn’t it?”
Zed smiled as he realized his eye was swelling. “It sure has, Mr. Greely, do you know where you are?”
“It looks like I’ve graduated to the Home for Resident Lunatics. Based upon the absurd outfit I’m wearing I’d say they’ve taken me for a patient. I’ve been doing volunteer work here since my retirement. What are you doing here and why do I have this urge to run around with girls more than half my age and play beach ball?” Greely seemed completely in charge of his faculties and a bit confused.
“You know something; I’m not going to bother trying to explain. I hate to do this but I’ve got to go to the plant store and grab some food. Call me later though and we’ll get together for a cup of coffee or dinner.” Zed then gave the old man a warm hug and the two parted ways.
By the time he finished with his tale, M&M was laughing so hard she almost peed her pants. Zed swallowed another beer and looked into her eyes as if seeing them for the first time. She glanced at him and touched his face with her hand. “Zed, that has to be the most outrageous story you’ve ever come up with. Now that’s a story that definitely explains a black eye. Thanks for sharing it, it made my day!”
Zed put the beer can down and grabbed Melanie with both arms. The girl was laughing so hard there were tears welling in her eyes. Zed leaned her back and laid a kiss on her unlike any she’d ever gotten. She was so thrilled before she knew it she was kissing him back. Thank the lord business was light or they might’ve been arrested for lewd conduct. After sucking face for what seemed only a few minutes, Zed stopped kissing the young woman and stared into Melanie’s eyes. “Meet me at my house tonight about seven; we can pick this up then.” He winked at her and broke the embrace.
She nodded as she fixed her shirt and said, “Zed, you’ve got a date, make it half past though. I’ll bring the beer and you just bring yourself.” With a bright smile she waved a fond farewell.
Zed skipped and hopped his way home. When he walked inside, the plants all seemed to have grown. With a wink in his eye he said, “Make sure you guys all behave because there’s a beauty coming by tonight.”
The plants nodded with obedience and Zed fired up the shower. As soon as the water was a good temperature and he was a bout to step inside, he heard a familiar crash. Rolling his eyes, he went to see what caused the noise.
Walt grinned, “Remember, that’s Stanley’s Mill Service. Please call soon, we love you almost as much as we love your money!” Then the blue fellow climbed back into his egg and disappeared.
Zed turned back to the shower as he mused, “I’ve got to get out more often.”
End
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